checking out some reviews of my local library
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For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.