@amydillon: I'm going to donate these clothes I don't wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
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@ArfMeasures: Doctor: You have 6 months to live Me: omg what can I do? Doctor: Oh lots of things Me: Phew Doctor: but only for 6 months
@UnicornSyrup: To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the "tasty" box.
@nbadag: FRIEND: haha she's so cute—say it for him honey HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
@Diversion50: "Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I'd been invited to an autopsy.