@amydillon: I'm going to donate these clothes I don't wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
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@Brampersandon_: [pharmacy] "Can I help you?" Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this? *lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
@MUMSIEesq: [HOSPITAL] DOCTOR: "A-tisket a-tasket, you're gonna need a casket." WIFE: "What?" DR: "Your husband's knee surgery did not go well AT ALL."
@1BigMick: If you believe the home alarm commercials, the first thing burglars do when they break into your home is smash your family pictures.