I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
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The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.