“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
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[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Mmmm canned fish.
how much for the angry fruit?
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang