@joejwest: I'm going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
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@SoVeryBritish: Neighbour chat: “Alright?” “Not bad, thanks, you?” “Yeah not bad!” “Haha, see you later!” Then into the safety of your car, to wonder why you laughed so much for no reason
@Mr_Kapowski: *runs into dental hygienist in store* Me: How are you? Her: *starts to respond but I shove my fingers in her mouth* Me: Not so easy huh
@Dawn_M_: Homeless people are so lucky. They don't have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.