I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
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#merica
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Said the murderer.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Duck typos.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car