@joejwest: I'm going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
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@Reverend_Scott: ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter. ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
@pleatedjeans: [house being raided] [swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
@AlexvanBeek: Lauren on Facebook asks: "What's the best way to ward off ghosts?" To which I replied: "a camera."
@shutupmikeginn: women love to see the veins in a man's arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister