I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
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Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
taking June’s advice to heart
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
My son’s blood type is parmesan.