I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
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Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Natty or not?
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.