@hipstermermaid: I'm going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
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@JediGigi: My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
@UncleDuke1969: "Hi-" "I have a boyfriend." "Do y-" "I have a boyfriend." "Excuse m-" "I have a boyfriend." "I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS."
@dog_feelings: the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
@1InTheStinker: The cops came to my house claiming my dog chased someone down on a bike! I explained to the idiots that my dog doesn't own a bike.