@UrbanDouchebag: I'm going to hire a Priest, a Doctor and a Rabbi to walk into a bar together just to see WTF happens. Backup Plan: I'll also bring a horse.
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@Playing_Dad: [At crime scene] Detective: You need to take this seriously Me: I am *picks up leg bone* Me: I found this humerus. Lol. D: You're fired.
@JamieGreenlees: If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I'd choke to death swallowing it.
@NJPsychDoc: My stages of drunk: 1. You're UGLY 2. You're HOT 3. You're BEAUTIFUL 4. Your HONOR in my defense......