Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
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[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)