I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
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Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Those are good neighbors.