@JohnLyonTweets: I'm going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
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@SlimSinclair: Friend: I’ve fallen in love Me: that’s ok buddy, you just gotta pick yourself back up and keep going
@KentWGraham: If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
@ArfMeasures: SON: Jake's dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World! ME: well, what if I did that? SON: omg you're the best! [Next week at Disney World] "Can't believe we're here!" ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
@girlontapas: I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.