I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
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Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.