If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
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Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage