“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
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FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Ok who’s got my black socks?
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”