I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
You Might Also Like
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
They did not miss in the small print
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes