You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
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screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
This will never not be funny to me.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.