Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
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If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
I’m calling the cops.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?