@elle91: "I'm going to make a great mother one day" I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
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@PaperWash: When your girlfriend says "I love you" reply with "I love you more!" Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
@Tylerosis: Facebook is where you'll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting "stupid".
@EndhooS: Boss "Are you high?" If I was high could I do this? *opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
@Carbosly: When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45. They all think I look AMAZING for my age.