@elle91: "I'm going to make a great mother one day" I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
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@buhsbaby_baby: If by "be (your) girlfriend" you mean "catch spiders and hide them in your pockets everyday" then yes, I'll be your girlfriend.
@RexHuppke: My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: "That's mathematically impossible." Anyhoo, we're divorced now.
@julieklausner: I like the word funfetti because it takes confetti, which is used in somber occasions, like funerals, and it repurposes it for fun
@Parentpains: Surround yourself with people that can't handle their alcohol, so you can drink theirs after they pass out.