@elle91: "I'm going to make a great mother one day" I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
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@djr_102: There's an epidemic in Britain that makes vulnerable young women inexplicably attracted to douchebags who miss leg day.
@tealbluejay: My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they'd still be dead at 8am.
@Book_Krazy: Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.