“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
You Might Also Like
“i am a sweet baby”
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?