I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
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I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.