[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
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Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”