I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
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My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
become ungovernable
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends