H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
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Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
The 6 types of sex
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Ooh I do like a good funnel
584.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?