TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
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Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
How about daylight saves us for once
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors