I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
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If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.