I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
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[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you