You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
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If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.