I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
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when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.