I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
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me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.