I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
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Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
turning my gender off to conserve energy
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?