I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
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Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
The funk soul brother
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in