I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
You Might Also Like
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*