I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
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[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
dam girl
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on