Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
You Might Also Like
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
i did the math
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.