handsome & gretel
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It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
LMAO.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
What the hell happened in there??
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number