I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
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I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm