I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
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My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
BRAKING NEWS!!
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
marvel comics have peaked
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker