I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
You Might Also Like
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
A French press is when you hug naked
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Living the best life.. 😊
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.