Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
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Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.