I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
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If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*