@AGreaterMonster: I'm going to swallow a jack-in-the-box so that when they do an autopsy—BOING, surprise!
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@darksidedeb: I've started slipping an occasional "meow" into everyday conversations with people to see if they're really listening meow to me.
@murrman5: [reeling in big fish and turns to friend] you got the net? "yes" ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
@weismanjake: Strange that the people who make duck face in photos are the same ones who always refuse to eat bread
@DrDogMD: NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day! DR DOG: You're joking, right?