You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
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“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
The Friday File.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
☺️
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Mouse
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.