I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
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-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.