I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
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[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Found the job I’m suited for
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff