@Try2StopME: I'm going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
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@ErrenMichaels: Dog: Whatcha doing? Me: Shaving my legs. Dog: Why? Me: So that I'm not covered in... Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
@Shock_Monster: Frozen pizza recalled? The government appears to have changed tactics to combat drug users: Legalize pot, but take away their food.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying "at least I didn't kill anybody" to like every person he sees today.
@HatfieldAnne: Um, guys, whaddya do with a 5 y.o. at an aquarium who's hysterical because she sees Dory in a tank and I kind of need to know right now.