I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
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Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
I really had high hopes for this year though
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
I love art.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”