teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
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Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆