Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
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some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Teach your children to beatbox
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.