All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
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Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.