*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
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I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather