I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
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Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye