@Michael_Erhart: I'm gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I've been wanting to get in that field for years.
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@__candypants: If you break up and get back together more than twice, I will not listen or care about your relationship problems you idiot.
@briancthayer: *throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic* Wife: Hun, I don't think "flipping the bird" means what you think it means.
@JKNenagh: I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.