[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
You Might Also Like
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.