@StellaGMaddox: My daughter wrote, "I will see you every day of our lives," on my Mother's Day card, so I guess we've resorted to threats now.

@Hello_Bella: Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

@Jake_Vig: Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There's nothing to be learned from that much profanity.

@blood_orphan: I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude's grasp on the English language was, like... twelveuous.

@envydatropic: *Removes smoke detector battery **Cooks in silence