I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
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Probably my best painting.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.