I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
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Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
6. me as a lawyer
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world